Hostage

After whole days and even weeks of clarity and energy and feeling like myself again, it’s like I’ve been taken hostage once more.

He pushed his way in, forced me into a head lock and dragged me along head down, grimacing, begging to be let go. The bully sticks his fingers in my eye sockets, he crushes my temples between his massive thumb and forefinger, presses on my forehead with such force. I beg for respite. Please, let me go.

I go for a walk to try and shake him off and he loosens his grip for a time. I lie down, close my eyes, listen to binaural beats and grab snatches of sleep but still he’s there. I change tack and try the intense cardio trick, 30 second blasts of rowing to pump the blood back in my brain and force him away. He backs off, I feel a renewed energy, I won a sense of freedom from my captor. For a while. Then, gradually, he tightens his grip once more. I’m back in the head lock.

In desperation, I drag myself off the sofa and into the shower - first too hot, then switched to completely cold. My head tingles and I feel the blood moving in my body and relief in my neck and brain. Hot cold, hot, cold, hot cold. It’s pushed him away again but I still feel wrung out. I find myself sitting, staring. I hate him with my whole being. I hate this.

I go to bed at 7:30 pm. The only solution is to wait for tomorrow.